When nobody dies...

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

In two days I might be going on the craziest ride of my life. In two days I might have my last supper of my life. In two days I might actually drive the farthest ever in my life. In two days my dad and I are going to situate ourselves in a dull sage green Chrysler (or Dodge, I always forget to look at the symbol on the grill) mini-van with a double-decker boat in tow and hopefully make the 2848.14 mile trip from our small town in the valley to the East Coast get-a-way called Westport, Connecticut. Well, at least it looks like a get-a-way from all the photos I have seen, but that's IF we make it to Westport, Connecticut.

I've never driven a trailer before. Okay, I have, but it was in a parking lot and it wasn't even a fourth of a mile long. With my luck, I'll probably forget that the trailer is even attached to the mini-van, not take a turn wide or change lanes in a car-size space, and plow into an innocent bystander. Hm. I better tell my dad to put our dear and beloved boat (#1010) in the top bunk of the double-decker!

But I keep trying to tell myself that I'll do fine. As long as we're not in a city during rush-hour, a tornado crosses the freeway, or there's a stampede of cops, I'll do fine. I'll be the one going the speed limit because it hasn't been eighteen months since my last ticket. We won't go into that though.

What am I doing for the times my dad is driving? Well, I plan to observe the scenery outside of my window the entire time since I'm very good at doing that. I will have my iPod Touch with me and I will probably alternate between songs and podcasts. I only have three of PRI's "This American Life" podcasts left, so I have all of NPR's Radio Diaries podcasts stuffed in as well a a podcast on the Battle of Midway, a segment on how we remember, biographies on Paul Newman and Gypsy Rose Lee, as well as a couple podcasts on the history of Rome. I know I'll do some last minute searching for new and interesting podcasts to hold my attention as I observe.

Of course I will bring my camera case which will be filled with all my lenses, camera body, and laptop to keep all of you at home up-to-date on everything that is going on during my two week trip. I cannot imagine what a pain in the monkey's butt it will be to get all of that through security when we fly to Oregon and back home! But hopefully it will be worth it. I hope it will be worth it. It will be worth it because not only are we getting out of the awful state called California, but we are going to Thistle Nationals AND the lovely state called Oregon!

At least there's something to look forward to to get my mind off of driving...

I feel like a horrible person. I don't want Cid anymore. I don't want Cid anymore to the point where I look at him with disgust. I view him as some nerdy kid who no one wants to date or ask to the prom. I want to price him at $1000 just so he can be gone from my life, but it would probably save us money just to put him down. I am a horrible person.

And today I screwed up majorly. Today I planned to go team-penning, but that never happened because the place who hosts the team-penning was closed. I knew I should of called because I kept having this nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach that they were closed. So what do I do? I make my parents haul two horses and three other innocent people all the way out to Lincoln for nothing. My mother said not to worry about it, but I'm still hitting myself for not calling. I am a horrible person.

So what do I do? I take all my irritation out on poor Handi who I'm already screwing up to begin with. I don't know crap about training horses honestly and I'm just hurting Handi's chances of selling because of this stupid illusion that I can train a semi-trained horse like Handi. In this economy I don't want to shell out the money for lessons or training. It would be best for me just to go out on trail rides with Handi, but I don't want to do that. I want to stand up straight with my shoulders back and say, "Look! I trained this awesome horse!" But in reality, he should already be finished right now. And he's not. He's not even halfway there. I can't hurt him like this anymore. He belongs to a better person than me; one who knows what they are doing or can finish him properly. So up goes the sale ads tomorrow. I am a horrible person.

I could go on and on about crap about myself in other aspects of my life, but I'm just hurting other people at this point and I don't want to add that onto my list. I don't know how I manage to ride horses and sail with my parents without the luck fading. It's all luck, not talent or skill. I don't know why luck keeps handing itself to me on a silver platter when it should just slap me on the face and say, "HEY! Try harder in life because I keep having to save your butt!"

I'm a coward for letting this all out instead of lifting up my chin and making a difference. I guess I am by selling Handi, but I view that as giving up. This whole post is about giving up I suppose because I can't kid myself any longer. But I bet you anything that two days later I'm all happy and cheery again. Depression doesn't last long for me anymore, just an hour or two and that's it.

I am a horrible person or I'm just PMSing. Although I hope I'm just PMSing, I know what I said above is true. I have known it since the beginning but I have just been lying to myself and accepting the luck as it comes along.

Nevermind.