I feel like a horrible person. I don't want Cid anymore. I don't want Cid anymore to the point where I look at him with disgust. I view him as some nerdy kid who no one wants to date or ask to the prom. I want to price him at $1000 just so he can be gone from my life, but it would probably save us money just to put him down. I am a horrible person.

And today I screwed up majorly. Today I planned to go team-penning, but that never happened because the place who hosts the team-penning was closed. I knew I should of called because I kept having this nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach that they were closed. So what do I do? I make my parents haul two horses and three other innocent people all the way out to Lincoln for nothing. My mother said not to worry about it, but I'm still hitting myself for not calling. I am a horrible person.

So what do I do? I take all my irritation out on poor Handi who I'm already screwing up to begin with. I don't know crap about training horses honestly and I'm just hurting Handi's chances of selling because of this stupid illusion that I can train a semi-trained horse like Handi. In this economy I don't want to shell out the money for lessons or training. It would be best for me just to go out on trail rides with Handi, but I don't want to do that. I want to stand up straight with my shoulders back and say, "Look! I trained this awesome horse!" But in reality, he should already be finished right now. And he's not. He's not even halfway there. I can't hurt him like this anymore. He belongs to a better person than me; one who knows what they are doing or can finish him properly. So up goes the sale ads tomorrow. I am a horrible person.

I could go on and on about crap about myself in other aspects of my life, but I'm just hurting other people at this point and I don't want to add that onto my list. I don't know how I manage to ride horses and sail with my parents without the luck fading. It's all luck, not talent or skill. I don't know why luck keeps handing itself to me on a silver platter when it should just slap me on the face and say, "HEY! Try harder in life because I keep having to save your butt!"

I'm a coward for letting this all out instead of lifting up my chin and making a difference. I guess I am by selling Handi, but I view that as giving up. This whole post is about giving up I suppose because I can't kid myself any longer. But I bet you anything that two days later I'm all happy and cheery again. Depression doesn't last long for me anymore, just an hour or two and that's it.

I am a horrible person or I'm just PMSing. Although I hope I'm just PMSing, I know what I said above is true. I have known it since the beginning but I have just been lying to myself and accepting the luck as it comes along.

Nevermind.